Compassionate Care: Self-Compassion

Compassionate Care: Self-Compassion

            Compassion has been defined as “being moved by another’s suffering and wanting to help” (Lazarus, 1991). Connection with suffering through an empathetic, non-judgmental and action-oriented perspective can create great movement forward. Neff (2011) breaks down 3 different perspectives at which we can look at compassion focused care, which are self-compassion, compassion for others and receiving compassion from others. Today’s discussion will focus on self-compassion.

Self-Compassion

            What happens when you make a mistake or possibly didn’t do the thing you wish you would have done? What if the challenges of life have you feeling like all hope is lost? How you talk to yourself in these moments is so important and impacts what happens next both in your internal processing (emotions, thoughts, body sensations, images that run through your mind) and in your actions. If you become critical towards yourself, you will likely start to develop a sense of shame internally. When this happens it becomes more difficult to make the positive changes that are available to you and that you truly desire.

            Self-compassion is an alternative way to respond or talk to yourself when you are suffering. Neff (2023) mentions that “self-compassion refers to being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain – be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges.” Self-criticism if left unkept can often spiral into unhealthy emotional states like anxiety or depression, as well as turn into actions and behaviors that numb, and avoid in an attempt to “protect” oneself. Some of those behaviors might include an overuse of substances, eating disorders, self-harm behaviors, or self-sabotaging strategies that might show up in relationships, work, spirituality and elsewhere. A lack of self-compassion might also show up in more subtle ways such as low self-worth, perfectionism, over-working, disconnecting from God, isolating from others or having co-dependent relationships.

            Empathy is an important step in self-compassion. Do your best to slow down and try to understand your emotional state, thoughts, physical sensations and behaviors. What might they be saying to you? What might those things reveal about what is important to you and that you value? This step can feel stretching at first, but over time this practice can feel more natural. Self-compassion is a tender and gentle way to gain understanding and to give yourself care and kindness even when it’s undeserved. You have a relationship with yourself just like you have relationships with others. When you practice extending empathy and compassion towards yourself, you are connecting or attuning with who you are! You will likely grow in seeing yourself as worthy of being seen, cared for and loved.  

            Having a kind and empathetic response towards oneself does not mean that you will stay stuck in unhelpful patterns and cycles. Just the opposite! Compassion not only includes empathy but it also includes actions. You might notice that you are cultivating more self-compassion when you practice stress management, set boundaries, have a more balanced diet, exercise more, face your fears, etc. When you love and care for yourself you treat yourself as valuable and worthy. This can also have a positive impact in your relationships as self-compassion can provide you with grace to own your wrongs, apologize and make repair with others. Allow compassion to get into your soul and receive healing within. As self-compassion grows within you, you may start to unveil your true identity and blossom into all that you can be!

Here are a few steps to break down self-compassion:

1.     Attune/Connect with yourself authentically – You are “seeing” yourself here. Pause and reflect about what happened and how you feel.

2.     Get curious – Ask yourself why you did what you did or why you felt how you felt. There is a probably a deeper reason for this step such as wanting to feel safe, gain a sense of control or maintain connection with others.

3.     Extend empathy – Be kind and gracious towards yourself. Work on healing with care rather than judging yourself. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend or someone you care about.

4.     Take action – What can you do to create a brighter and healthier future? If you were the wisest version of yourself, what might you do differently moving forward? Choose to learn and grow from what happens in life instead of feeling imprisoned by what happens.

Interesting Facts from Research

·      Higher levels of self-compassion have been shown to be associated with higher levels of compassion for other (Cha et al., 2023)

·      Self-compassion can help to develop secure attachment in relationships (Lathren et al., 2021).

·      Self-compassion helps a person to have self-definition which “involves establishing an individuated generally positive self-identity” (Snyder and Luchner, 2020).

Reach Out for Support

If you are struggling with having self-compassion towards yourself, you are not alone! In fact, many people can be their own worst critic! I myself have had to work on this throughout my life, but the benefits far outweigh the challenges when put into practice. I would be honored to support you in learning how to develop more self-compassion and learn how to become a friend of yourself! You are welcome to schedule a free phone consultation at my website to learn more about working together.  

References

Cha, J. E., Serlachius, A. S., Cavadino, A., Kirby, J. N., & Consedine, N. S. (2023). Self-compassion and compassion for others: A multiple mediation study of personal values. Mindfulness, 14(10), 2417-2429.

Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. Oxford University Press.

Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J., & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationships: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12(5), 1078-1093.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual review of psychology, 74(1), 193-218.

Snyder, K. S., & Luchner, A. F. (2020). The importance of flexible relational boundaries: The role of connectedness in self-compassion and compassion for others. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(4), 349-356.