A *Brief* Overview of Compassionate Care

Compassionate Care: Self-Compassion, Compassion for Others, and Receiving Compassion from Others

Have you ever experienced suffering, pain or loss, or possibly felt alone in your suffering and not sure of what to do next? Compassion focused care can provide a sense of warmth and nurturing along with action-oriented steps towards healing and growth. Compassion has been defined as “being moved by another’s suffering and wanting to help (Lazarus, 1991)”. Connection with suffering through an empathetic, non-judgemental and action-oriented perspective can create great movement forward. Neff (2011) breaks down 3 different perspectives at which we can look at compassion focused care, which are self-compassion, compassion for others and receiving compassion from others. I have found that many individuals struggle with the dialectical nature of fostering self-compassion and extending compassion to others. How can one hold compassion for self and compassion for others, especially when facing conflict and differences of opinions? Snyder and Luchner (2020) have studied interconnectedness of both these constructs and mention that “the development of an autonomous self, cultivates increasingly mature relationships with others and healthy attachments with others facilitates an increasingly mature and integrated self” while a severe imbalance of the two can disrupt both identity formation and relationships with others. Cha et al. (2023) researched the connection between self-compassion and compassion for others and found that higher levels of self-compassion were correlated with higher levels of compassion for others.

Self-Compassion

Directing compassion towards oneself is vital in healing one’s internal world. When you make a mistake or don’t do the more adaptive and mature thing that you would have rather done, how do you talk to yourself? Many people tend to be critical towards themselves, punish themselves, or avoid thinking the wrong they have done at all costs. Neff (2023) mentions that “self-compassion refers to being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain – be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges.” Self-critical and sometimes shame-based responses, if left unkept can often spiral into unhealthy emotional states, as well as actions and behaviors that numb, avoid, and “protect” oneself from ever doing those things again. Some of those behaviors might include overuse of substances, eating disorders, self-harm behaviors, or self-sabotaging strategies in relationships, work, spirituality and elsewhere. When one can start to interact with themselves through a kind and curious perspective it can open up space for increased insight and understanding. Even if you made a mistake, the past is over and you cannot change it. Shame based responses will likely induce more unwanted decisions, while compassionate responses towards one-self will likely start creating the changes that a person actually desires deep down. Compassion begins to heal and can even help to evolve a person’s identity, or sense of self, to who they have the potential to become. Self-compassion is also great way to self-soothe and regulate oneself emotionally. Snyder and Luchner (2020) mention that self-compassion helps a person to have self-definition which “involves establishing an individuated generally positive self-identity”. More research shows that self-compassion can help to develop secure attachment within relationships (Lathren et al., 2021). It is clear that self-compassion not only helps to bring healing to ourselves, but it can help enhance the wellbeing our of relationships with others.

Compassion for Others

“Compassion for others involves care toward others’ suffering with a desire to support, a sense of connectedness in the face of human suffering, and “balanced awareness” of others’ suffering (Pommier et al., 2020, as cited in Amari et al., 2023). Snyder and Luchner (2020) mention that compassion for others helps within the construct of relatedness which “involves establishing intimate, stable, mutually beneficially relationships with others”. Compassion for others is often easier with someone you feel safe and connected to, however it might be more challenging when you feel hurt, betrayed or disconnected from them. To cultivate compassion for others, you might put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their perspective such as the way they might process through life scenarios. What challenges has this person endured? What values might this person be living out of or in what ways might they be trying to protect themselves and others? Try to get curious and extend kindness towards the other person and who they are deep down, noticing that they too are human just as you are. Within compassion for others there may arise a desire to help alleviate suffering for the other person. You might notice maladaptive patterns and decisions that might be destructive in some way both to their life and others. It can help helpful to remember that no matter how hard it may feel to see someone make these difficult choices, that they themselves only hold the power to choose to either make helpful changes or to stay in their current patterns. That is within their power and their realm of responsibility. There may also be times when another person’s dysfunction starts to directly impact you, and in this case boundaries might be necessary to cultivate an emotionally and sometimes physically safe environment for yourself. Boundaries and compassion for others can be held together.

Receiving Compassion from Others

Research has shown that receiving compassion from others and having social support can improve our wellbeing both psychologically and even physically, with some studies showing that receiving compassion from others and having social support can help people to live longer and even serve as a protective factor against disease (Cosley et al., 2010).  A metaphor that can be applied here is a strainer versus a bowl. A strainer has all the good that comes into it and yet it goes right through. A bowl on the other hand is able to hold all the good that comes in. Chances are, there is someone in your life is extending care and kindness towards you. Are you able to receive that care or does it drain right through? Let yourself feel and hold that kindness that you receive from others. Are you able to receive compassion when it is offered? Do you believe that you are worthy of receiving care and kindness? Are you protecting yourself from receiving kindness when it is offered? If so, you might begin to wonder why this might be the case.

I understand that this information might stir questions that may arise from complex, multi-layered, and multi-factored life experiences. This blog will not give you all the answers, but my hope is that this information sparks critical thinking skills and allows for space to open up within oneself to process life’s challenge. If you want more personalized support, you are welcome to schedule a phone consultation to determine if counseling a good fit. May we become more compassionate towards ourselves, compassionate towards others and grow in our ability to receive care and kindness when it is offered from others.

References

Amari, N., Martin, T., Mahoney, A., Peacock, S., Stewart, J., & Alford, E. A. (2023). Exploring the relationship between compassion and attachment in individuals with mental health difficulties: A systematic review. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 53(3), 245-256.

Cha, J. E., Serlachius, A. S., Cavadino, A., Kirby, J. N., & Consedine, N. S. (2023). Self-compassion and compassion for others: A multiple mediation study of personal values. Mindfulness, 14(10), 2417-2429.

Cosley, B. J., McCoy, S. K., Saslow, L. R., & Epel, E. S. (2010). Is compassion for others stress buffering? Consequences of compassion and social support for physiological reactivity to stress. Journal of experimental social psychology, 46(5), 816-823.

Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. Oxford University Press.

Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J., & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationships: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12(5), 1078-1093.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual review of psychology, 74(1), 193-218.

Snyder, K. S., & Luchner, A. F. (2020). The importance of flexible relational boundaries: The role of connectedness in self-compassion and compassion for others. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(4), 349-356.